Election Mascot Breaks 30-Year Silence to Launch Bid for Office

This morning, the electoral commission mascot, commonly referred to as ‘Orange Guy’, has announced he is competing in the 2026 general election.

Speaking to Tamaki Times reporters from inside a cardboard box outside a pak'nsave in Glen Innes, the figure broke 30 years of stoic apoliticalness silence to confirm his independent candidacy.

When asked about the reason behind his candidacy, Orange Guy stated “To be honest, all the candidates are rubbish and there aren't any better ones coming along, so might as well run for election myself.”

Some of his standout policies include

• You can now sign up to vote on the day (again)
• Free sausage sizzles every few months
• Electoral commission gets 10 times the funding
• He will raise your taxes and cut everyone else's
• Jail everyone that doesn't vote

Orange guy has not yet confirmed what electorate he is standing in yet, but he expressed interest in standing here in Tamaki. He will be running as an independent.

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has announced 10 new taxes this morning in the National Party’s latest bid to win back voters.

He said to the media earlier today, “Well, look guys, the voters have been very clear that they actually want taxes.”

When asked about the move, Campaign Chair of the National Party Simeon Brown said that they had “judged a book by its cover” on tax, and that he is “terribly sorry” to all the party’s donors who had hoped for no new tax.

The ten new taxes are:

• Homeless Tax
• Digital Gains Tax
• EV Tax
• Public Transit Tax
• Pool Tax
• Voting Tax
• Tenant Tax
• Fruit Tax
• Education Tax
• Water Tax

Among the most notable taxes are a new Homeless tax, EV tax and a fruit tax. The homeless tax, which has never been implemented in any country, was the main talking point this morning in the government’s announcement. Luxon said he was “really really proud of getting this one across the board”, and that he hopes the rest of the Western World follows New Zealand’s lead.

Finance Minister Nicola Willis explained how this was a step in the right direction for the National Party, and that their abrupt pivot on tax policy should be taken as a sign of integrity.

David Shaw is a 32 year old man living on the streets of Glen Innes. He has been senior avocado commentator of the Tamaki Times for the past 2 hours, and describes his experience in Mission Bay.

Avocado and toast, just like Winston Peters and racism, are part of the list of things that were never meant to go together, but when fused, become gamechangers. I found this gem of a toast when I was strolling around the paths of mission bay, scrolling my nz conservative reels, distracting myself from my horrible depression that has nothing to do with this story, but as I was bouncing along, I spotted a quaint pure little english restaurant on a shady shifty street, a pure beacon of white light in this hellhole.

As I gaggled at their display, they motioned to me with their hands to come inside, and just like an angel that manifested itself as David Seymour, they had brown hair, blue eyes. I was awestruck by their non-government funded shop, with their little locally sourced pastries of love and care, produced with pure nz milk. But one creation caught my eye: a slab of green on some golden scrumptious crispy oiled up loaf. But when I glanced at the price tag, I was as shocked as Luxon on election day: It was $28! $28 for avocado toast in this economy?

Nah, but this avocado toast was different from the rest of the bland china imported lumps of vomit that the immigrants are selling down at the bay. It was special. I took a bite, and oh, I was instantly sweating in the shop, before the little english people escorted me out because I was “being a pervert”. But I couldn’t help myself and pranced back into the shop and asked for their entire stock, almost screaming at them over their counter as they called the police to alert them that a "weird homeless man” was drooling on their floors. But trust me, it was that good.

In fact, you should really try it. I mean really really try it, it’s so good that it could make anyone cry. Anyways, that's my review. In conclusion, it's so good that it makes you feel many feelings, and distracts you from the restraining order your ex-wife put on you. That's it, thanks, now when do I get my 20 dollars?

• Review Courtesy of a G.I Homeless Man

#Sponsored #ad #Avo+Co