Opinion: I Paid $28 for Avocado Toast in Mission Bay and It Changed Me

Homeless man in Glen Innes David Shaw writes about his $28 avocado on toast in Mission Bay.

21 Oct 2026, 8:13 pm 2 min read

David Shaw is a 32 year old man living on the streets of Glen Innes. He has been senior avocado commentator of the Tamaki Times for the past 2 hours, and describes his experience in Mission Bay.

Avocado and toast, just like Winston Peters and racism, are part of the list of things that were never meant to go together, but when fused, become gamechangers. I found this gem of a toast when I was strolling around the paths of mission bay, scrolling my nz conservative reels, distracting myself from my horrible depression that has nothing to do with this story, but as I was bouncing along, I spotted a quaint pure little english restaurant on a shady shifty street, a pure beacon of white light in this hellhole.

As I gaggled at their display, they motioned to me with their hands to come inside, and just like an angel that manifested itself as David Seymour, they had brown hair, blue eyes. I was awestruck by their non-government funded shop, with their little locally sourced pastries of love and care, produced with pure nz milk. But one creation caught my eye: a slab of green on some golden scrumptious crispy oiled up loaf. But when I glanced at the price tag, I was as shocked as Luxon on election day: It was $28! $28 for avocado toast in this economy?

Nah, but this avocado toast was different from the rest of the bland china imported lumps of vomit that the immigrants are selling down at the bay. It was special. I took a bite, and oh, I was instantly sweating in the shop, before the little english people escorted me out because I was “being a pervert”. But I couldn’t help myself and pranced back into the shop and asked for their entire stock, almost screaming at them over their counter as they called the police to alert them that a "weird homeless man” was drooling on their floors. But trust me, it was that good.

In fact, you should really try it. I mean really really try it, it’s so good that it could make anyone cry. Anyways, that's my review. In conclusion, it's so good that it makes you feel many feelings, and distracts you from the restraining order your ex-wife put on you. That's it, thanks, now when do I get my 20 dollars?

Review Courtesy of a G.I Homeless Man

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This is satire. The Tamaki Times is a work of satire. All stories are fictional. Any resemblance to real events is a coincidence, or a cry for help.